Wednesday, May 12, 2010

It's been a long day.....

 Random pic. :)

Hi blog friends.  So lately I've been feeling a little bit down on myself.  Want to know why? Because I have been comparing myself to other bloggers and the seemingly perfect life they have. Do you ever feel like other people are smarter, more beautiful, more creative, better writers, world travelers, completely happy with marriage all the time, happy with having 5 kids and no career?  I know I do.

So honesty time now.

I'm constantly in awe of people who have money & design skills to redecorate their house all the time, even if it is done "thrifty".  I can't afford to buy thrift store furniture and redo it most of the time.  It makes me wonder if I should be working? But the thought of putting Bry in day care makes me feel guilty and working as a nurse sounds absolutely miserable. 

Sometimes I miss being single.  Not because I don't love Travis or want to be married.  I just miss getting dressed up and going to parties and meeting new people.  I miss being validated that I'm one sexy biotch.  Sound really superficial? absolutely.  Marriage is hard.  It takes a lot of work.  After almost 3 yrs of being married it takes a conscious effort to keep the "crazy in love" feeling there.

I love my son so much, but the reality is I'm sitting here with yogurt  & peanut butter smeared across the front of my shirt.  Bry has been crazy all day, so I  passed him off to Travis while I went to my bedroom to hide out.  I now have headphones on blaring "glee" music so I don't have to hear Bryant whining from the other room. I wonder sometimes why people want more children after living though one and KNOWING what they are getting themselves into.  I seriously don't know if I can do it all again.

I suck at making friends.  I get lonely, but yet I don't want to make the effort to get to know people.  I'm also very choosy about who I'm willing to hang out with.  I often wonder if it's bad to be choosy? Probably.  I miss my old singles ward sometimes, because it seemed so easy to relate to other girls when we were all single and going through the same "dating" drama. Hopefully my new ward has a lot of girls my age who love clothes, design, photography, reading teen fiction (ha), chick flicks, taking girl trips, & of course the gospel.  I think it might fill an empty spot in my life to have girlfriends who I can relate to.

I wish I had more courage to do what I loved.  If I could redo BYU all over again I would go into interior design I think.  It sucks that you are supposed to figure out life at 18 yrs old.  I wonder what I will do with myself when Bry gets older and I have more time on my hands.  I want to be able to say that I pursued my dreams and tell Bryant that he can do the same.

I don't know how people run marathons, run a successful business with children, & have perfect fashion sense.  Please enlighten me.  How do you do it?  I feel like it's a successful day when I can get Bryant and I ready for the day by 11 and have dinner on the table by 5:30.  Does this make me lazy? I wonder about this a lot.

Anyway, if you are still reading this you're a champ. Thanks everyone out there for your blogs and lovely thoughts.  It makes my day to read about your lives.

Love,

Becca

21 comments:

Champion Family said...

Hi Becca, this is Kim, a friend of Travis's from TN. I don't know you, but I am sure you are a great girl. I think we all have similar feelings at different times in our lives. I've been married for 8 years and have 3 kids. First of all, no one has a perfect life. Seriously, it doesn't exist. Lots of people only blog about the "good" and don't talk about the days that they didn't get out of their pajamas. I think the key is finding happiness in our own lives. Being a stay at home mom has it's challenges and yet it is the best thing in the world. No worldly accomplishments can replace the satisfaction that comes from being a wife and mom. It can be frustrating since ours is a thankless job. I read a book by Merrilee Boyack called "Toss the Guilt and Catch the Joy: A Woman's Guide to a Better Life". I highly recommend it! Hope this helps and good luck in finding joy in the journey. Happiness is truly a choice that we need to choose every day.

Chantel said...

Motherhood is hard. Really hard. No one tells you that. I think that's because no one would actually do it if they knew what they were getting themselves into. I feel like crap all the time. I asked my mom once how she managed to keep it all together when we were growing up. She said she didn't. She was crazy every day but we were the kids and don't remember. That made me feel better. That's one of the main reasons why I blog - so I can remember the crazy and someday when my girls are new moms and pulling their hair out and I'm the calm, put together grandma they can read how I felt in their situation and not feel so alone. You really aren't alone, though. We all feel like that at times!!

Megan and Mike said...

i think everyone feels like this sometimes,and i miss single life for the same reasons, life is alot fo work!!!hope you have a better day tomorrow

nat said...

dear bec. loved this post. i have no fluffy advice to give just that i love honesty. ah so refreshing :) yay for real thoughts. muah

deanna said...

You're beautiful. Do what YOU can do. Proverbs 3:5-6.
xoxoxo

andrea.roche said...

Dear Becca -


Come to my house. I promise u will suddenly feel better about the going ons at your house.

Andrea

Marzipan said...

We should hang out...I think we love all of the same things and I have the same problem with making friends. I usually just have friends that have kids the same age as mine so that they can play together, but then they move away and we never get together again. I guess that's life though.

Where are you guys moving to?

M.C. Sommers said...

Hey Becca! This is M.C. from Santa Barbara. I have to say that I miss how easy it was to make friends in our old singles ward, too. I think making friends once you are married is so hard. I have yet to experience the whole kids thing, but it seems like it's going to be one crazy ride. I think that more than anything it seems like it could get really lonely.

I loved your post. It's funny because I think you would be surprised if you knew how many of us girls at Santa B thought you were perfect. This is probably why we should all just be friends -- so we can tell each other how awesome we are and then laugh at the bad days :)

L& J said...

loved the post. i think the same thing about others. I THINK oh, man, i wish i didn't have to wait so long to have kids. i wish i was done with school & my husband was too... and WE could buy a house! haha. we always yearn for what we don't have. i know making friends for me after being married is hard too. i don't like the married ward, so we go to a family ward. there are a few couples in there-- but trying to find people that both my husband and i like, is difficult. your awesome! you have an adorable family-- no one else knows about the hard days, and you don't know about theirs. there is no perfect life out there! : )

Pablo, Syd and Charlotte said...

HA! I've been feeling this same way lately! so then i went to the salon and paid way too much for a cut and dye and i felt better, until i looked at our bank account . . . its like a never ending lose lose situation. And making new friends sucks after your married cuz you and your husband have to get along with the other couple. . . . argh! NO worries I know EXACTLY how you feel! Everyone else seems perfect all the time and you feel like crap, happens to the best of us. Just remember most of us feel like this! and if you want some girl time or some one to go to a chick flick with, or a (window) shopping trip, CALL ME! I've realized that the more i'm out of my house and get away from doing the same chores everyday, the better i feel! so lets get out of our houses and have some fun!!

Sheila said...

FYI, I stalk your blog, heard about it from your Mom, haha. I know just how you feel. The other day, I thought about deleting my blog and getting rid of my links so I don't feel so depressed when I read everyone else's. We don't have money problems, but yet I feel so much like I'm doing without. I love my boys, but some days just want to give up on being a mom and go back to the way things were before. The one thing that I do envy most moms for is the fact they get to stay home. So, I envy you for that. Just know you have someone that reads your blog and wishes she had a little bit of your life. And a brand new house, lucky!!! Life is hard and it will just get harder as the kids get older. I thought for sure I was done when I had just one child, but there was always something out there poking at me and as hard as it is to be a mom, it's so rewarding and you'll soon find that little nudge in the back of your mind that there is room for another, as hard as it may be. I don't have any friends either, its hard to do that when you have kids. I always feel so guilty when I have to leave that adding one more reason to leave is hard, but something I long for. Man, being a female sucks!! :)

Kelly said...

im so glad were friends. Too bad we dont live closer. Then we can just be bums together and not worry about anything else and our boys ( all 4 of them) can go up into the mountains or something. haha. gotta love em.

Trisha said...

It is hard to not be competitive and compare yourself to others, I do it all the time! I feel like the key is thinking about the little things that you do that are and make you great. You are raising a little boy! I don't have the courage to do that, ha. That makes you amazing! You did finish school! Lots of people don't, and you can always go back :). I have always though you have slammin' style, btw. You aren't lazy at all! It is hard to keep up with all the sweet creative stuff going on; I always want to do crafts and make awesome furniture, but it always ends up ugly, haha. Anyway, you aren't alone in feeling the way you do, but you are amazing! love you

Tiffany Johnson said...

Becca Becca Becca.. just so you know, I felt myself being jealous of you while reading this for the simple fact that you were so willing to be so honest. I'm right there with you, my friend. We need to go out.. on a date.. you and me.. but since you won't respond, i'm starting to feel like you hate me and are 'chosing' to not be my friend. :-) just kidding. The reality is, I need some 'Becca' time. You are amazing. I really look up to you in so many ways. I WISH I had the fasion sense that you do. Um, did you see me the other day when you came by? Yeah, even though I just had surgery, I pretty much look like that every day now. Poor Nate. And i'm pretty jealous that you HAVE something even if it is nursing that you can fall back on if needed. I have NOTHING. And when you talk about new ward.. are you meaning the new one you are in right now??? or GOING to be in.. if it's the latter, we need to talk. If it's the first, we REALLY need to talk. haha. :-) Love you Bec.

Tiffany Johnson said...

um, ok. I just read the post previous to this one.. building a house??? why did I not know this? as much as I want to be super happy for you, i'm super sad... sad like, I want to start looking for houses by you sad. WHAT????

Natalie said...

I love this post. I feel the same way all the time, so I have no advice. But I love how you said it. At least your ready by 11 am have dinner at 5:30. Most of the time I'm never ready and we have $5 pizza... gag.

Garrett and Leslie Attwood said...

Hi Becca.....do you remember me? We both lived in Santa Barbara at BYU a few years ago. I was only there one summer. I feel the same way you do sometimes. I have a daughter and the EXACT same feelings and thoughts run through my brain. I love my husband and my daughter with all my heart, but I, too, miss being single sometimes. When I was in high school and college I made friends so easily and always had people to hang out with, but now I feel jealous of people that have a very best girl friend or tons of girls to hang out with and all have the same interests. I don't want to ramble anymore....I just want to say, I understand. We all go through it. Don't feel down on yourself, but I know you probably still will, because I do too!!! haha.

Marce said...

Hi Best Friend Becca. This post made me so happy and so sad at the same time. Let me explain. I'm sad because I relate so much....like, so much that I don't want to blog anymore because of it. I feel like everyone portrays only the picture perfect version of themselves. I know I do it. I mean, I feel insecure posting that Mike sometimes bugs the H out of me and sometimes I just want Ellie to stop making messes for like 10 seconds so I can finish cleaning the previous one...and enjoy cleanliness for more than a milisecond. You know? But then again, I don't want people thinking that I have it all figured out either....because I don't. at all. Being in a big city sounds so exotic. But it's so lonely. More lonely than I can express. And it makes it hard to get out and actually enjoy all that it has to offer...especially when friends are scarce. In fact, I haven't been back in the city since you visited. Sad thing to admit, huh!? WOw, i'm sounding so sorry for myself. Sometimes I am. Because like you, I'm choosy who i spend my time with...which makes me think of you...and how i went down your interest list...and checked every single one off and desperately wished we still lived close. sigh. I'm thinking we need to plan a weekend getaway together. I love you, and we love you guys. Good friends are hard to come by, you know?? Wow, this is a long comment...basically I just wanted to say-- I love you friend. I love your honesty. And I'm just so damn glad we're friends. :)
xoxo

Dee said...

Wow! I was feeling like I hadn't checked your blog in a while since there were like a thousand comments. Then I realized you posted while I was out of town and I am still trying to play catch up so I don't feel quite so bad. Anyway, I think by all the comments, it's obvious that we ALL relate (unless we're living in some fantasy dream world!). At some point I think we all wake up and go, "What was I thinking and how did I get here?!" Being an adult and taking on adult responsibilities is just plain hard sometimes (ok - most of the time!). From "an old person's perspective", looking back, all those challenges are what has made me strong individually and made us strong as a couple and a family. We all go into it pretty blind, but I can't imagine what my life would have been like if I had chosen not to do it. That would have been unbearable lonliness - life with no family, and all the friends I had when I was single would all be married with families of their own and I'd be staring at them wishing I had what they have.

As far as the fashion sense thing. . .Becca, Becca, Becca - You are so put together and adorable! Trade wardrobes (and bodies!) with me for just one day - you'd make my year!

I love you! You are such a cute wife and mom! I know both of your boys adore you tremendously. Hang in there. You are not alone. You are not "bad" for having those feelings - you're just human!

BellaMamma said...

All I could keep on thinking was, "Really? You feel that way?" That's how I felt about YOU. Lame, huh? The truth is, I think a lot more of us feel like that than anyone lets on. As far as being down, I feel ya. We should talk sometime. Take the kids to a park or something. I dunno. Hang in there, woman! You're amazing! (And yes, my hair is still wet from a shower and only one of my children is ready for the day. We'll be lucky if dinner is ready at 6PM tonight.) PS - It's almost noon. :)

Jenna said...

Hi this is Jenna(Herrick)Herzog.. I don't even know if you know who I am so this comment will seem way out of the ordinary. We went to high school together as well and my husband Tyler Herzog and I came across your blog just a bit ago and read this post. First of all I just wanted to say that you are beautiful and I always thought you and your sister were so pretty in school. On another note... I have a 6 month old and I can honestly say it has been the hardest 6 months of my life thus far. Motherhood is hard and not even the closest to you can prepare you for the experiences you will have being a mom. Keep doing what you are doing and all will fall into place like it should. Sorry for the long comment but I just wanted to say "diddo" to your post. I think a lot of moms feel this way and are afraid to let it out. I have a blog if you want to read it but its private so you could send me your e-mail address to jherzog@sisna.com and I could add you in. You probably don't even remember me and if you do you are probably thinking why is this chick leaving me a comment! Anyway, your family is beautiful!